My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
Dude squirt doesnt even begin to describe it i thought she was the lost portal to atlantis with how much she let out
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
Who is naked dude in the kitchen?
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
Randomize
