That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
I don't care how hot he got, I can't get past the PTSD flashbacks of the first time he fingered me
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
Is it bad if I look at someone i dont know and just want to punch them in the face?
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
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