last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
Seriously what kind of college town is this? Nobody parties during the week or abuses perscription drugs
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
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