You are still hot in my book. I wanna dry hump u like a 9th grader then hump for real when the herpes is gone.
so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
I fatbooth all their pics then decide which one is the cutest even if they gained like 400 lbs and then proceed to fuck him.
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
Randomize
