she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
Watched twin sisters make out thought it was amazing sick on their part but legit to watch
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
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