"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
I dont care if he cant spell. Illiterate people need blowjobs too
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
