i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
There's a bed on the roof. The window behind it is too small for it to go through. I'm impressed.
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
Giving you good advice and being naked are not mutually exclusive.
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
So... he's my second cousin's step-bro... To do or not to do?
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