1. Mark my dj buddy and I spent $1000 on bottles last night
2. We were casually offered narcotics while walking down the street
3. I will still be awake when you start school tmw, cause there's no last call
So if any tells you miami is the same as the rest of america, there are just lying to you
Godddamnit i jsu woke up in oharee. My connecxtion left an hro ago. Thosse flight atttendants can DRinK
That guy over there looks like a cartoon/action figure.
omg, i know.
we're too high.
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
I'd like to buy a season pass to your dick please.
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
Randomize
