his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
There's a vagina buried somewhere in there.
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
We shared a dick. We're practically sisters!
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
are you drinking tonight?
I have an exam tomorrow
so yes.
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
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