Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
Just found the book "How to Stay Christian in College" on my roommates desk. At a loss for words...
I know it sounds like a good idea, but doing Spanish homework at a bar just because the owners are Mexican and they give us margaritas really wasn't the best decision.
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
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