She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
merry christmas to all and to all I give the mystery rash.
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
The number of times I have seen your cock and the number of times I have wanted to see your cock are different!
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
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