My balls are so social today.
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
I rocked my own world, he was just a prop.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
You're breaking my sexual little heart
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
Randomize
