I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
just took a sink shower in Arbys bathroom
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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