She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
