I'm getting drunk watching the disney channel. Is this a main reason why we aren't together anymore?
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
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I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
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I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
He is a sex God. It lasted more than an hour, and I don't remember how many times I came. I lost count at 57.
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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