I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
Man, jail baloney is awful.
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Randomize
