I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
i want to swaddle you in tequila
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
Just listened to a full Christian rock song, loved it,listened to the dj send a prayer to a 4th grader who was having a tough year and realized I'm high as fuk
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
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