dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
Randomize
