Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
No just sleep deprived. James woke me up at 7 and forced me to eat a hot pocket with him cause he " didn't want me to die".
They took my balls.
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
I have serious attachment issues. I just realized how long its been since ive smoked out of my bong and I feel guilty for dis owning it this week
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
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