My first STD was from a foam party
I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
you know when i was in school the girls definitely did not have the tits the 15 year olds have now. so unfair.
Seeing Harry Potter 3D stoned: Pro- giant redheads w/cute accents. Con-weeping for stoners who only had Pink Floyd laser shows.
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
That's actually very serious....I really do think of you whenever is see pizza
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
Remeber when we went camping and fucked those two guys? Yeah me either but I'm covered in poison oak so I'm guessing it's from that.
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