I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
Are you still giving blowjobs?
Who is this?
Yes, she did suck your dick in the bathroom to wake you up.
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
his roommates said i can move in if i promise to only drink tequila the rest of the semester. challenge accepted.
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
