he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
She had been watching Bad Girls Club where the annoying girl always says "I RUN L.A.". After she got wasted she kept going up to strangers at the bar yelling "I RUN FAYETTEVILLE." I peed in her drink.
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Randomize
