By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
Have you not heard of Jennifer's supreme lust for William Shatner? She wants to eat Taco Bell off of his love handles
what is TOTES MCGOATS in spanish?
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
It's called hot rabbit the party if he asks the password is "careful" don't ask
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
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