The worlds most fuckable chipmunk
She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
Do I masturbate or eat a pound of matazah. Alissa help what do I do??
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
Randomize
