I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
You had a good week dude, you bought a motorcycle and a beer bong with ur parents money, missed 2 classes, and ran from security twice, good first 2 days to college
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
dude. I can hear the air.
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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