I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
She is just riding on my slutty coat tails.
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
