just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
Spent the majority of my senior year drunk. Graduate of 2011, I think 2011. Probably.
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
