I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Randomize
