I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
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