He's telling me stories about how he made out with a 14 yr old when he was 22. I'm going home.
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
just put cider in my bong. gotta love fall
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
Get here, there are important joints to be smoked and pies to be eaten
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Randomize
