I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
big game today.. looking forward to seeing that magic win, and then i will celebrate with a nude dip in lake Eola.. anyone else in??
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
I just got a new temperpedic mattress pad and started smoking weed again in the same week. finding motivation to go to a 9:AM class is close to impossible.
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
they have a video of him in his boxers making a snow angel in the hallway is his own vomit and coca cola.
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
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