He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
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His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
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BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
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