On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
a strip club that doesn't allow touching or asking for sex... whats the point?
unless her vagina can tell me my horoscope in sign language, I'm not going.
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
I just got a Community College debit card in the mail. My failure has been materialized.
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
How does it feel to date your dad?
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
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