last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
i want to major in coloring with an emphasis on crayons.
so finals studying is going well?
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
With me living this close to Mexico now, Tequila is just a geographical choice at this point if nothing else.
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
Damn. Looks like nobody I know is doing anything interesting. Guess it's another slut-it-up-with-strangers sort of night.
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
Randomize
