We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
Now just crop his dad out and add it to the spank bank.
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
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