I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
Ironically her ferret's toys look like her sex toys.....this is a whole new level of kinky for me
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
Randomize
