There's a girl in my class named "La-a" pronouced "Luh Dash uh" I hate everyone
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
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