3.50 mugs at the bar.
Nah man, im with an ugly chick. Im waiting til everyone's drunk enough tonight, they don't notice.
How ugly, and does she have friends?
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
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