Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
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