Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
i just uploaded pictures of my nephew, and you & d puking in the same toilet. i think i should keep them in the same album. show my nephew what he has to look forward to.
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
Sexual favors are the only currency recognized by the Republic of Greg
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
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