What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
Can you pinpoint the moment you decided it was acceptable to trade blow jobs for beers or was it a gradual slide?
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
Fall is here I will miss walking downtown in nothing but paint and pasties
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
Randomize
