nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
I just watched a video of Justin Bieber kissing a girl..... the sad thing is that I actually got upset.
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
