So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i still was a whore
I left when they started reinacting what appeared to be a jerry springer episode
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
hey dude, just got with the girl in H4. so mark H off the apartment list
haha we are half through our lease and already checked off 17 letters
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
Randomize
