I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
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