Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
Prereq for being on nyc prep: money, bitchy, and a lazy eye... if only you were rich
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
if i can get a chik with a dibaetes pump naked a sling certainly isnt going to get in my way
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
Two words: blizzard sex
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
