I just cut my nipple shaving
for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
there should be a relationship option on facebook "stillllll in a relationship"
I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
I want your attention. I want your attention in the form of your penis inside my vagina.
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
Randomize
