dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
I'm glad I can share my workout progress with you via my nudes
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
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