she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
there may have been a blood oath never to speak of it again...only reason i can think of as to why there was a 1 inch bloody cut on my right boob
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Randomize
