I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
I just need to know if he's either really genuine about being in my life or being in my vagina.
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
Randomize
