I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
posting about faith hill is really not helping you get me into your bed
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
There are two guys here arguing over Pearl jam and Nirvana. 1991 wants its argument back.
Randomize
