It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
she would be the type to have more hair on her twat than on her head
she has to be all "alternative"
dude relax anyone of us could have gotten that girl pregnant
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
Randomize
