I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
i was surprised by the severity of his small dick condition
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
Randomize
