Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
No, we got so into acting out our role play characters we didn't even fuck. still sucess.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
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