at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
If I get a 4.0 I am doing SO much cocaine.
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
Randomize
