This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
I just spent an unhealthy amount of money overnighting a full adult sized Trix Rabbit Halloween costume
woke up with withdrawal cold sweats this morning. spring break must really be over.
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
Randomize
