I want to come over to your house, give you money for liquor, fuck you, and then kick it untill I have to go home. Was that blatent enough for you?
the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
i found out what alaskan girls practice during those six months of darkness
She said she never had to courage to go fully shaved. Since when did shaving your snatch become courageous?
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
I think I used my NERF gun during sexual roleplay. Need to re-evaluate my life choices.
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
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