the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
Apparently i was the first person to introduce her to her clitoris. Needless to say...they hit it off great
I am not a stalker...i just bring a whole new meaning to the word love
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
I like your optimism Chelsea but I'm not about getting my salad tossed
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
I didn't expect the hobit to have that much sexual tension.
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