and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
there is another microwave in the elevator.
Randomize
