i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
after the ketamine those signs on the bathroom door had little meaning to us
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
I JUST WANT TO HAVE AWKWARD SEXUAL EXPERIENCES WITH HIM.
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