I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
Fail #1 I puked off the balcony onto the balcony below us and when I tried to pour water on it in the morning to wash it off it just went all over their deck. Sorry room 1342 but welcome to Jamaica
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
I want a meaningful relationship and i wont get one if i keep giving him blow jobs in my basement while watching family guy.
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
We had to go visit his dealer in the hospital to buy some weed.
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
Randomize
