i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
trying to figure out what happened last night by looking around the apartment.
naked man under the piano. THE PLOT THICKENS.
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
It was like Strip poker and blow, but with Yu-Gi-Oh cards
Randomize
